Turmoil
by Riss - uscmam
Summary: What happens when B'Elanna has a really bad day? Set around the time of Extreme Risk, but AU. Warning - contains discussion of depression and suicide
1. Turmoil

_Warning - This story include frank discussion of suicide. There is no character death, but since even the idea of suicide offends some people, I am warning you. If you have any problems with the content of the story, I welcome intelligent, adult discussion of the subject with me. I love feedback!_

_Disclaimer - Star Trek Voyager, and all the Characters created on that show belong to Paramount. I'm just a humble fanfic writer borrowing them for fun. I promise to return them unharmed, well, maybe just a little angst._

Turmoil

by Riss

B'Elanna stormed into her quarters, picked up a small sculpture that was sitting on her table and threw it at the wall by her bedroom. Tom, who had been fixing a replicated dinner near the wall console looked up in surprise. "Somehow I don't think that was meant as Klingon foreplay."

"No, I'd be throwing it at you. Right now I just want to kill her."

Tom had a pretty good idea who she meant, but just wanted to be sure before trying to calm B'Elanna down. "Who?"

"That blond, perfect body, borg bitch!"

"Oh, her." Just the person he had though. Tom really didn't want to get into a discussion about her, so he tried to calm B'Elanna down with a change in the subject of the conversation. "How about a nice dinner and then an hour on the holodeck. You'll forget all about today's problems."

By this time, Tom had moved close enough that he could wrap his arms around B'Elanna. Unfortunatly, he had underestimated the depth of her foul mood. Rather than accepting his embrace, she quickly pushed him away from herself and began pacing around the room like a caged animal.

"I wish we had just dumped her on some planet and let the collective pick her up. Right now I just want to take her into a room and show her exactly how much strength my Klingon side has." A very evil smirk broke across B'Elanna's face. "I would love to see her bloody and crawling around on the floor begging for mercy. Then she would need my help!"

Tom wasn't quite sure what to say. While he did enjoy seeing B'Elanna's Klingon side, this was a little more than he could handle. Even though this anger wasn't directed at him, he was afraid. Deciding that neither leaving nor speaking were options, he just sat down on the floor and observed her tear around the room.

"That catsuited witch waltzed into engineering today and took over the place." B'Elanna paced the quarters, barely avoiding Tom and the furniture which were littering her way. "No hello, no excuse me, not even one damn reason why. She just comes in, pushes Sue away from the EPS flow regulator and takes over. She came within seconds of overloading the core!"

"And when I complained, did she even get in trouble? NO! Did she even hear one word from the Captain about her behavior? NO! B'Elanna's leathal tone almost caused Tom to call security. Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, she let out the kicker, her voice dripping with sarcasm and something else.

"I was the one who my 'friend' Chakotay put on report and relieved of..."

In the space of one word, her entire manner changed. If Tom had not been staring at B'Elanna the entire time, he would have sworn it was a different person. For almost a minute, she froze in place only her labored breathing and conflicted expression betraying life. She was waging a war inside herself.

Just as suddenly as the turmoil started, there was a resolution. The Klingon strength which had powered her outburst disappeared. As B'Elanna's knees gave way underneath her, she finished her thought. Softly, almost unheard around the sound of her body collapsing toward the floor, "relieved of duty."

Before she collapsed all the way, Tom was underneath her body breaking her fall. Her anger dissolved, she clung to him for dear life. They sat there on the floor, arms wrapped around each other, moving only with the gasps of air in between B'Elanna's sobs.

Tom knew that neither the anger nor the hurt were directed at him. Unfortunatly, he also knew that he could do nothing to erase their pain. The only thing he could do was make sure she didn't have to face them alone. That's why he didn't run in fear of her anger nor her shame. He just held her close, suffering with her, supporting her, loving her.


	2. Aftermath

The next three days after being relieved of duty are some of the hardest in B'Elanna's life. Tom tries to help, but she just has to muddle through.

_Warning - This story include frank discussion of suicide. There is no character death, but since even the idea of suicide offends some people, I am warning you. If you have any problems with the content of the story, I welcome intelligent, adult discussion of the subject. I love feedback!_

_Disclaimer - Star Trek Voyager, and all the Characters created on that show belong to Paramount. I'm just a humble fanfic writer borrowing them for fun. I promise to return them unharmed, well, maybe just a little angst._

Aftermath

by Riss

The last four days had been the longest of B'Elanna's life. Despite Tom spending every minute he wasn't on duty with her, she still felt alone. Especially when he would crawl out of bed in the morning to go to his shifts on the bridge. The entire room would feel dark and empty. Even turning the lights on full didn't help.

The first night, when she collapsed into Tom's arms after her tantrum, they didn't move. He held her all night, reminding her that he was there. At some point, she fell asleep and began to dream. All she could see was memories of her mother screaming at her or of her dad leaving. Time and incidents were blurred, just the anger and sadness continued from image to image. When she finally woke up, those strong arms were still supporting her.

Tom was actually twenty minutes late to his shift that morning. It took a warning call from Harry to tear his arms away from holding her. Not since the whole undercover to catch the spy incident, had he been late to a bridge shift. But that morning, he almost didn't go.

As he changed into the spare uniform he kept in B'Elanna's quarters, she crawled across the floor to the couch. From some yet to be exhausted reserve of strength, she somehow picked herself up and curled up on the couch. Grabbing a pillow, she soon was in the exact same position as when Tom came over during last year's Day of Honor. Amazingly, she managed to look even more despondent now than she had on that horrible day.

That sight alone almost broke Tom's resolve. But a timely call from Janeway solidified his resolve to do his duty.

"Janeway to Paris."

"Paris here."

"Are you planning to come to your shift today? If you would like to skip your time at the conn, I can have Tuvok come down and escort you to the brig for dereliction of duty."

"I am on my way," though Tom's voice didn't sound happy with his choice.

If he did not have as much respect and loyalty to Captain Janeway, he might never have left. Only the idea that he knew B'Elanna would still be in her quarters when he got back, finally allowed him to actually walk out the door for his shift.

B'Elanna will never tell him how close he came to being wrong. Unknown to anyone on the ship, that first day of being relieved of duty was an anniversary for her. And definitely not one she wanted to remember. Not only was it seven years to the day that she and Starfleet parted ways, but it was twenty one years since her father left. If she had the strength, she would have stood up and walked into her bedroom. In the bottom drawer of the dresser was a small suitcase which someone had been kind enough to grab when they had the emergency beam out from the Maquis ship to Voyager.

Inside the case, wrapped in an old baby blanket, was something she had kept hidden for twenty one years. It was a ceremonial Klingon knife. Her father had given it to her mother on their engagement day, along with her betrothal necklace. The day he left, her mother threw out every gift she had ever been given by her former husband. B'Elanna had always thought the knife was so beautiful, so she rescued it out of the trash and hid it away. Little did she know that it would be the only thing left she had of her father.

That morning, after Tom left, she almost plunged that knife into her heart. Not only had her father abandoned her, her ridges ostracized her, her career halted before finishing school, her life tossed 70,000 light years away, and her friends murdered by the Dominion, but she had ruined the one chance she had left. Relieved of duty. At least she had chosen to leave the academy. Now she had cost herself her job. Her mouth, her temper, and her thoughts all ruined her life because she was too weak to have control.

The only thing which saved her from her depression was the continued absence of her Klingon strength. She still could not move. The weakness caused by her emotional outburst and long hours working took over her body, confining her to the exact position she crawled into that morning. Not hunger nor the call of nature could drag her from the silent statue she created.

Later, perhaps, she would thank the stars that her Klingon strength had deserted her. Maybe, one day she would appreciate what she had and realize she did have something to live for. But that day, during the eight and a half hours Tom was not in her quarters, she could not even imagine that time. For the first time in her life, B'Elanna not only thought about dying, but gave up her desire to live.

Complicating the day and keeping Tom from checking in with her were the quirks of the galaxy. The one day he would have given anything to fly in a straight line, he spent eight and a half hours fighting for the safety of the ship. With the ship ringed by systems containing radiation that disrupted the warp field, they were forced to fly through an extremely large asteroid belt on impulse power. Since the only other option was to fly through even higher concentrations of radiation within the nebula surrounding the asteroid belt, Tom was stuck at the helm. The entire day, he had only one five minute lull where Janeway actually let Chakotay cover the helm. Only long enough for a quick trip to the head and to grab a ration bar before it was too much for the first officer to handle.

The inertial dampers kept B'Elanna from feeling most of the jolts. However, she was aware of time passing. Even though Tom had held her last night, she was certain that his long disappearance was because he had left her too. In her depression, she ignored the rolling of the ship and the likelihood that Tom was the one causing it. Until Tom walked into her quarters exactly eight hours, thirty-two minutes and fifteen seconds after he left, B'Elanna was certain she had driven him away too.

The second Janeway released him from the helm, Tom ran to the turbolift. Upon reaching B'Elanna's deck, he practically knocked over Crewman Genarro in his haste to get to her quarters. With barely a nod in apology, Tom continued his tear to her quarters and through the door.

Not a moment too soon, since B'Elanna had finally convinced herself that Tom did not love her. With that thought, she had found the strength to uncurl one of her legs and place it on the floor. A burst of anger at letting herself believe that Tom had loved her was doing wonders at powering the muscles to move her other leg. While Tom would never guess where she was headed, B'Elanna knew that the bedroom dresser, not the bathroom nor the replicator was her only stop.

Just in the nick of time, Tom came in and saw her in practically the same position he left her in and knew she hadn't moved all day. Continuing the fast pace he had set on the way to her quarters, Tom was at the couch with his arms around her in seconds. For a moment, he thought she would push him away. She stiffened up and gripped the pillow even tighter. But after a moment, it was passed and she collapsed into his arms. However, she didn't stay that way for long as she realized exactly how long it had been since her last trip to the bathroom.

"Got to go," B'Elanna said quickly as she slipped out of Tom's arms, off the couch and ran for the bathroom. For a moment, Tom was worried she was running away from him until he realized where she was going. After a quick walk toward the bathroom to make sure she was all right in there, he started to straighten out her quarters.

The bedroom was neat, since they never made it in there last night. The living room, however, was a disaster. The dinner he had replicated last night sat untouched on the table. Furniture, along with padds and small objects, was scattered across the room from B'Elanna's tantrum last night. Tom had only just replicated something for them to eat for dinner when B'Elanna reentered the room.

"How are you doing?" When B'Elanna didn't answer him, Tom assumed it was his fault. "I'm so sorry I didn't check in with you. There was this asteroid field and I couldn't get away for more than five minutes all day."

B'Elanna really didn't care. All she knew was that she had taken a long look at the dresser as she headed towards the living room. The thing which saved her was that she heard Tom ordering something from the replicator. No matter how bad her life was going, he was still there, trying to take care of her. She might sometimes feel smothered by it, but it did show her how much she meant to him. She couldn't go for that suitcase and hurt him like that.

Summoning her remaining strength, B'Elanna moved in front of Tom. "Just hold me."

They stood there, next to the table for a half an hour, just holding each other. They would have stayed longer, but at the exact same moment their stomachs growled for attention. Tom steered B'Elanna into one of the chairs, quietly laughing at the intrusion. As she sat down, Tom could have sworn he saw a little of the depression that gripped her features lift, but he might have been mistaken.

Slowly at first, and then with increasing strength B'Elanna ate the replicated dinner of slightly cold stuffed shells and garlic bread. Tom knew of her weakness for Italian food and counted on it to make her eat dinner. In silence the two of them licked their plates clean. Not eating for a full day tends to make someone a little hungry.

After they were done, the silence continued. Finally Tom got up and placed their dishes into the replicator. Taking B'Elanna's hand, he led her from the table back to the couch. However, he didn't give her a chance to curl up as she had before. He sat down beside her and gently pulled her into his arms.

Breaking the spell of silence which permeated the room, he quietly asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

For a minute he was sure she wasn't going to answer. She gave no sign of hearing the question. But then she lifted her head from where it rested on his chest and looked into his eyes with hints of desperation clouding her deep brown eyes. As she looked, he gently began stroking the side of her face, a lover's gentle touch. With each caress, a little bit of the hurt began to leave her eyes.

"I love you." B'Elanna spoke slowly, with a rusty voice which spoke of her yelling the night before and her day of silence. She tried to put order to her disjointed thoughts. "I think that's what saved me, knowing that you were coming back. I can't believe I was thinking of..."

As she dissolved into tears, Tom pulled her even closer. She finally let out the emotions she had bottled up inside her for the last day. As she wept, Tom tried to make sense of what she had said. How did he save her, and from what? As the possibilities rolled through his mind, he grew more and more fearful. In the last twenty-four hours her life had been turned upside down. Even though he didn't think that she was permanently out of her job, its temporary loss was traumatic enough.

After a few minutes, B'Elanna began to regain her equilibrium. While she still felt depressed, the suicidal thoughts were gone. For a moment she wondered why she had felt that low, after all, she was safe in her lover's arms. Before she could remember the reasons, she just stopped trying and settled back into Tom's arms.

Soon, however, his gentle caresses began to wake up other intense feelings within her. But this time she didn't hide them, ignore them, or even attempt to suppress them. Instead she shifted in Tom's arms till she could bring his mouth down to hers and kissed it. For a moment Tom resisted. After all, hadn't it just been minutes ago that she had been crying in his arms. Then he came to his senses and realized that just holding her wasn't enough. She needed to have him show her how much he loved her. Never a hard task, he proceeded to carry her into the bedroom and show her exactly how he felt about her, in excruciating detail, time and time again.

The next two nights were the same. Tom would provide the arms to crawl into and the shoulder to cry on. B'Elanna would take the comfort she needed and proceed to ask for even more. Those nights were the most passionate they had ever had. Both took the time to give the other as much love and pleasure as they possibly could. Rather than rushing towards the ultimate goal, they took hours to enjoy the sights, sounds, and tastes along the way. They truly discovered the meaning of making love during those long hours they spent discovering new pleasures.

The next two days were actually a little better than the first. Tom was not consumed with piloting through asteroid belts and radiation. Every half hour or so, he would send her messages through the computer. He also returned to her quarters to share replicated lunches of her favorite dishes. He even borrowed some replicator rations from Harry so he had enough for a pair of hot fudge sundaes for dessert one evening.

B'Elanna did manage to get up and shower, but not much beyond that during her second day off work. Before he left, Tom had downloaded some of his favorite stories, mostly old twentieth century stuff, cheesy sci-fi or mystery novels, to keep her occupied. Some of them were so bad that she almost cracked a smile at their absurd situations. Even though she was doing something, she stayed in her bed curled up under the covers. Though she wasn't thinking too much about it, her eyes would stray over toward her dresser as the minutes passed between Tom's messages.

The third day was a little better. she actually did a little cleaning around her quarters, straightening drawers and stacking padds. While she did spend most of the day reading again, she moved around the room, to the couch and chairs, taking care to avoid her bed. For a few minutes she was able to concentrate on the novels and forget about her own situation, at least until a different message came about an hour before Tom's shift was up.

Rather than the note she was expecting form Tom, it was from the Captain. "Report to my Ready Room at 0800 hours tomorrow." No clue of what she was thinking. It could be her return to work or her removal from the ship.

So this morning she had gotten out of bed the same time Tom did. She ventured out of her quarters for the first time since she stormed in four nights ago. Breakfast in the Mess Hall was very weird. Her temper, or at least the reputation of it had preceded her, so everyone kept their distance. A few of her engineers did stop by to say they missed her down in engineering, but none were able to offer any idea of what Janeway had planned.

All this lead to the position she was now in. Tom had accompanied her on the turbolift to the bridge, even though he had a shift in Sickbay this morning. But she was left on her own to cross the back of the Bridge to the Ready Room door. She just stood there a moment, feeling everyone staring at her. It must have taken her a full minute to raise her hand and press the panel to announce her presence to the Captain.

"Come."

***

When she returned to her quarters that night after a long day of trying to make up for lost time, she saw that she still had a few minutes alone. Tom was busy in Sickbay, since four people decided that the safeties were not necessary when on the holodeck. B'Elanna went to her drawer and removed the suitcase. Walking over to the replicator, she placed the knife in and pressed the button for deconstruction into the matter stores. Remembering her father was one thing, but life was a whole lot more important.


End file.
